|This is a Whatever-the-hell-tickles-my-fancy blog, and you gotta deal with it. ;)
Duchess of the Mediterranean Sea
PhD in Vacation
Captain of the vessel "Hullabaloo" and "Ishkabibble"
Official passenger seat DJ on Any Adventure
Dubbed CleopatraSexyLegs in Rome
Taller than You since 1994
Brown eyes, Curly Hair
50% amazon, 50% mermaid, All Lady.
I Live At The Pool.
*Recently Dubbed Queen of the AprilFools, but will remain known foremost as Duchess of the Mediterranean
1. Don’t try to piss quietly. Nobody in a public restroom thinks you’re knitting in your stall. They came to piss, just like you. And if you have to take a dump, do it. Get over your fear of public toilets. It’ll make life a lot easier.
2. Masturbate. Masturbate a lot. Talk about it with your friends. You’ve got the right to make yourself feel good and brag about it just like all the boys with extra large kleenex packages on their desks.
3. If you want the large fries, get the large fries. Hunger and appetite are nothing to be ashamed of, just human. Don’t ever feel guilty for eating in front of others. You need to nourish your body to stay alive. We all do.
4. Laugh as loud as you have to, no matter if you snort or gasp or literally scream.
5. Fart when you have to.
6. Always remember you weren’t born to visually please others. Forget the phrase “what if they think it’s ugly”. If you think it’s lovely, it is lovely. You wanna wear it, wear it!
7. Speak your mind! You can learn to do so without insulting others or shoving your opinion down other people’s throats."
|(A gay couple has just met up in the restaurant and kissed each other upon arrival. Another customer has seen this and is obviously angry.)|
|Angry Customer:||“Damn f**s.”|
|Gay Man:||“Excuse me?”|
|Angry Customer:||“You heard me, you little s***. Let’s not make this into some little pride protest, okay? I have to accept that you’re going to live your lifestyle, and you have to accept that I’ve got freedom of speech.”|
|Gay Man:||*quietly* “Is it too much to ask for a little human decency?”|
|Angry Customer:||“Human? Listen up, what you’re doing is not human. I think I have the right to determine what I think is human.”|
|(The manager shows up. He’s a quiet Italian man who I assume is conservative due to the Christian imagery and portrait of Reagan he keeps around the restaurant.)|
|Angry Customer:||*to the owner* “Hey, can you move either them or us to another table?”|
|(Instead of responding to the angry customer, the owner instead speaks to his wife.)|
|Owner:||“I’m sorry ma’am, but we have a strict ‘no pets’ policy in my restaurant.”|
|Wife:||“Uh, I, uh, what? I don’t have a—”|
|Owner:||“Well, according to your talking monkey over here, I can determine who’s a human and who’s not. You bring an animal into my restaurant; I gotta assume it’s your pet.”|
|(The angry customer storms out. When I left, the owner was giving his description, and copies of security camera footage, to the biggest crowd of police I’ve seen. Apparently it’s a bad idea to not pay your bill at a restaurant that gives free coffee to cops.)|